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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23248942">hope</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopodian/pseuds/octopodian'>octopodian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Brute Force (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, idk. figured there should be some fancy speculative fic, pretentious god shit is apparently my key lime pie cant get enough of it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:54:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,342</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23248942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopodian/pseuds/octopodian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She spends a lot of time sorting through her memories, Lola and Phoenix and all the people who came before, everyone she was before she was. It’s difficult to explain how she both is and isn’t a person: how it feels to slip in and out of abstractness in favor of actualization. She’s too powerful and infinite to be one thing, but not all-powerful in a way that would deprive her of identity. </p><p>It’s something that would give her a headache if she wasn’t a god.</p><p>(But to be honest, it still does hurt.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Rebirth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Being a god is confusing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Phoenix leaves this world, and enters the next, she returns to her domain, the world that is her. She is fields of fertile ash giving way to wildflowers, tall trees standing strong against the wind. She belongs here, as much as she can belong anywhere. She is a god now, and she is a person now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phoenix remembered how to do it, and she knew, theoretically, how she would have done it, but she isn’t herself anymore, she’s someone else, and it’s very, very confusing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She spends a lot of time sorting through her memories, Lola and Phoenix and all the people who came before, everyone she was before she was. It’s difficult to explain how she both is and isn’t a person: how it feels to slip in and out of abstractness in favor of actualization. She’s too powerful and infinite to be one thing, but not all-powerful in a way that would deprive her of identity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s something that would give her a headache if she wasn’t a god.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(But to be honest, it still does hurt.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She vows that she will figure it out. She just needs some time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At loss of what else to do, she takes a page from her past life’s book: she attempts to do some soul searching, to meditate. It goes well for a few minutes, but she gets… bored. She didn’t used to, but now she feels restless. Self reflection just leads to confusion, confusion to doubt, until she decides she would rather be anywhere else, thinking about anything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a frustrated groan, she leaves her domain. Perhaps someone else has the answers she needs.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chaos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phoenix is glad Stoat is here. He is new too, but she knows him. Or, she knows of him. Or, she knew the man that he used to be, back when she was someone else too. </p><p>Their lives are forever intertwined: friends until death, family for even longer.</p><p>They spent most of their time together, at first, trying to get a handle of everything. The new kids, as new as you can be when you have always been. He seems to take it more in stride than she does, somehow: perhaps he’s just built for it. His voice is different now, smooth and lean, but his laugh still rumbles in his throat, his eyes still sparkle with mischief when he gets an idea through his head. He naturally wins over those of them still wary of chaos without even trying, just by being him.</p><p>"How do you do it?" </p><p>He shrugs. "I just know how. I'm sorry, Lola-" a nickname, only for him to use "-but I cannot help you here."</p><p>His domain is as ever-changing as he is, but when she is present, he settles for long grass that curls in fractals. They sit together, silently, for a long while, until Phoenix thanks him and moves on.</p><p>Of everyone, she’s glad it’s him. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Dreams and Freedom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Phoenix stumbles out of Stoats, and right into… somewhere else. It’s entirely white, no walls or edges, just… void. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s about to cough, or yell hello, when she spies a small red bird flying, looking at her. She reaches for it, smiling, and it ignites, screaming, until it burns into ash. She tries to stumble backwards, but there’s no floor, just space, and she cartwheels aimlessly. She grits her teeth. She’s a God, and she can’t even stop herself from spinning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, she stops, as if someone pressed pause, and she sees a white horse with a long curved horn standing upside down. They shift, and right themself, and Unicorn smiles, floating over. “I dreamt this might happen.” Their hair is impossibly iridescent and shiny, falling all the way to their feet, and Phoenix feels an old part of her fervently wish to touch it. “I met a friend of yours, you know. And I met you too, of course. I’ve met a lot of people, but I am glad to meet you now, properly.” They smile dazzlingly, and Phoenix feels that same old part of her blush. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn it, be cool.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, it’s nice to meet you too.” She hesitates, trying to get her memories to fill her in, but they are unfortunately blank. “Are you a… how should I…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laugh. “My name will do just fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Phoenix stammers. Despite them both being gods, Unicorn is somehow taller than her, bending down to look at her with spiralling iridescent eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phoenix feels the presence right before she sees it. Dragon spirals in from every direction at once, wings stretched long, relief from years of having them bound, and settles by their feet. Unicorn giggles, running their hand over Dragon’s head as Dragon switches into a more humanoid form. Dragon looks like a dark elf, long coily hair woven into long horn-like patterns: eyes dark black, warm and sparkling, like the promise of adventure in the dazzling starry night sky. “Oh, hello. Pleasure to be with you again, Phoenix.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too!” She fumbles out, slightly too fast. “...Why are you here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dragon shrugs. “Why are you? I can be anywhere, now. I intend to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unicorn laughs, and Dragon joins in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dragon does give her a look, though. “I mean it. Why are you here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m... looking for something? I just don’t know what yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unicorn hums. “Interesting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t limit yourself, Firebird,” Dragon says softly. “Sometimes the lack of things can be the most liberating. Sometimes, you must shed your shackles, as it were.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you’re looking for, I do not know if you’ll find it in anyone else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phoenix thinks, not at all due to any old part of her, that perhaps she needs to stay away from pretty people for a bit, and politely excuses herself. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>was fun trying to speculate on what dragon would be like, and to posit that maybe dragon and unicorn would get on. if you didnt notice, dragon doesnt use any pronouns, least in this, and unicorn is they/them cuz, yknow, i was bored.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Justice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The domain of Justice is a bit too stiff for her liking. She can see Lion hard at work, and Phoenix feels like she should knock, but there’s nothing here but dust and clean, smooth rock. Instead, she clears her throat. “Hey, bud, you busy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lion snaps his jaws around the throat of the man being judged, and his body disintegrates into a fine powder. “I am, yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She clears her throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...But you appear to have a question, which I will answer,” he sighs, straightening his body and shifting into a different form. He, too, has long flowing hair, dazzlingly gold. His armor radiates nobility.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you seem to be in charge a lot, so I thought I’d ask you," she says, quietly omitting the other three people she'd already asked. "I’m just not… sure I’m like, good at being a god? Everyone else seems to know what they’re doing, but it’s like I missed a memo and I’m just trying to fake it. I mean, should I be bringing people back to life, or… praying to myself, or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lion looks at her wearily. “Our powers are implicit. We need not consciously effect the world for our power to radiate through Eorith.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But how do I know if my power is radiating? I mean, I've gotta do something, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lion sighs, not unkindly, but not kindly either. “I have judgement to cast, and wrongs to make right. This is my duty. Yet even when I am not doing this, I spread justice by carrying myself righteously, by holding myself to my own judgement. You are the god of Faith, are you not? Perhaps, to spread faith, you must first have faith in yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolls his shoulders, shifting back to all fours and shaking out his mane. “Now, if you will excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She does, feeling worse than before. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It took hours to find her way into the domain of Lies through the millions of false trees, and once she does, she's at the end of her patience. “How do I be a god?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fox looks at her, almost confused. His grove is thick, and people do not often enter.  “While I appreciate the surprise visit, have you considered asking Owl for hir wisdom? I don’t know how helpful I can really be, even if I wanted to tell you anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did," she lies. And, look, she was <em>going </em>to ask hir, but ze's a little bit scary, and she'd rather take her odds with the Trickster for now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah," he says, eyebrow raising. "And Dragon is… preoccupied with Unicorn, I trust?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess,” Phoenix says, shrugging. “To be honest, I’m just asking you because someone I knew seemed to trust you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes light up strangely at that. “Very well. We liars are known for our excellent advice, are we not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ignores that. “How… do I act like a god? I mean I know I already am one, I just… can’t shake the feeling that I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>bad at it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grins. The trees bend and sway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Well, am I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fantastic,” she deadpans, glaring at him. "I can see why people worship you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can say no instead, if you would like,” he shrugs, “really, my opinion should mean nothing to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, but you’re so… active! I thought maybe you would have some advice on how to keep yourself busy without interfering with mortals.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve found the easiest solution to a problem is to remove the problem entirely.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A completely blank stare. Phoenix likes her new self. She likes staring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fox continues, “I don’t need to worry about keeping myself busy </span>
  <em>
    <span>without</span>
  </em>
  <span> interfering, when I could instead entertain myself </span>
  <em>
    <span>by </span>
  </em>
  <span>interfering. We all need our hobbies, after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can do that?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do anything, Darling, I am delusion.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, Lion said-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Lion says we should not interfere, it's true,” Fox says, waving his hand nonchalantly, “but I am not him. I have tried sitting by and watching for the past several hundred years, and I found it rather dull. I dare not risk a fight with him, but I left someone with a gift, a favor, you could say, and you know how he feels about debts. It’s only </span>
  <em>
    <span>fair</span>
  </em>
  <span> I see how it plays out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cammy,” Phoenix mutters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another sharp smile, all snow-white spiders and broken glass. “Yes. I quite enjoy watching her. It really is the damndest thing: she blames herself for everything. She walks around like she bit him herself, like her stammering and pleading managed to seal his fate. It's fascinating, and quite entertaining.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Him? What d'you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another flashed smirk. “Secrets, darling. But here’s what I would say: you are a god, yes? You are just as much of one as I or Lion. Any limitations you seem to think you have are self-imposed. None have been set for you.” He gives her a look, bright purple eyes almost glowing. “The more you believe a lie, the more power it has, you know. I’d be careful.”</span>
</p><p>She blinks, and he's gone, nothing but a low echoing chuckle in his place.</p><p>She really should have gone to Owl.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. And So On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i debated including every god in the title but was like actually thats a terrible idea. for context: wolf is pain, owl is wisdom, spider is fear, goat is greed, boar is anger, bull is labor, elephant is order.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The wolf bleeding on the floor is not much for conversation. Her jaws snap furiously at Phoenix, who runs as fast as she can.</p><p> </p><p>The owl, furiously writing notes in a scroll that never ends, attacks her when she accidentally smudges the ink (even if ze does apologize once the mistake is repaired). Ze is too busy putting hir archives back together, and doesn’t have time to talk.</p><p> </p><p>The spider hisses at her, far too many legs than she would like. She doesn’t want to learn what she’s afraid of.</p><p> </p><p>She can’t even find Goat among its hoard, the Boar roars at her like a shofar blowing, the Bull is too busy with her work to notice, and the Elephant is still recovering from their battle. All of them teach her nothing, except to make her wish she hadn’t bothered them in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>Tough crowd, and she’s learned nothing. All the expectations weigh on her, and she’s still lost.</p><p> </p><p>Which is when she realizes it’s much, much darker than it used to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>She pushes the dark, wet earth under her feet around. It smells like it’s just rained, earthy and metallic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Huh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t remember consciously coming here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything ends up here eventually,</span>
  </em>
  <span> her memories inform her quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A pebble by her foot twitches. She bends down, putting her hand against the soil and feeling deep, thrumming vibrating coming from within.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looks around. Nothing approaching that she can see. In fact, she's entirely closed in, in some underground cavern. No tunnels anywhere, no entrance or exist: the only light coming from her own body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s nowhere to run. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The earth is shaking rapidly now, quiet tremors at first that slowly build up into a roiling mass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scrambles to hold her ground as the ground keeps shifting, just barely managing to avoid a huge writhing tail as it erupts from the ground and thrashes at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>First thought: <em>Holy shit, I’m going to die.</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A second thought, less panicked:<em> If I do, the Phoenix will merely find another. </em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More and more thick white tendrils - <em>Worm</em>, she tells herself, but she'd already figured that out - burst from the Earth, surrounding her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The cycle will continue. Death is just rebirth. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A huge head curves towards her, eyeless, opening its jaws to reveal thousands of rows of teeth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Have faith.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stares up at it, at the huge gaping maw, and for the first time she realizes that she isn't even slightly afraid.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The worm peers down closer to her, mere feet away, so close she can hear the clicking of teeth and hear the distant whistling of wet wind, and she still feels utterly calm. Whatever happens, it will be okay.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She is the Phoenix, and she is damn good at it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The worm twists its head to the side. It almost seems to smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She is going to be okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives it a grin back, half cocky, half relieved. Gives it a thumbs up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, buddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a flash of righteous flame, she is back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(But really, she’d never left.)</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey, if you read this, thanks! its very self indulgent but i hope you had a good time :-).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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